Questions first.
"Who I want to meet: Interesting people who have a past-time that they are truly passionate about - and not just because it's something they're doing because they have nothing else to look forward to in life, i.e. Single Despondent Uncles need not apply."
As I email and chat with other singles, I realise that many are looking for love - to fill a void. I avoid such people like the plague. I'm not saying it's unhealthy to WANT a serious relationship; just don't look for one to FILL a void. Consider these questions:
1) Do you feel you have nothing else to look forward to each day because it's always the same old routine and nothing exciting or 'different' seems to happen to you?
2) Do you feel that your days are meaningless because there doesn't seem to be a purpose to it all?
3) Do you feel that something is missing from your life?
4) Do you suppose you feel lonely because you are single?
5) Do you suppose that having a relationship would make the dull ache of this meaningless existence more bearable because you would no longer have to suffer on your own?
6) Do you suppose that experiencing another person on an intimate level will make up for your disconnection from your own consciousness and self?
"i find u really tink alot"
Sometimes, people shrug their indifference (they don't have an opinion), or brush me off for being 'cheem', or just return blank looks. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends - people who I can 'click' with, and who I can make 'strange' comments to and not have uncomfortable silence returned. And then sometimes, I meet the occasional person who tries to make himself out to be a 'thinker', but turns out to be a dud who thinks good, grammatic English is all there is to it, and it doesn't take long before the template responses meant to impress start sounding too familiar.
But really, after a while, doesn't all that talk about work and colleagues, the latest consumer products and social updates (read: who's getting married or just got a new job), fleeting from one mundane topic to another, scratching only at the outermost layers, just seem so...superficial and uninteresting? Perhaps, I just need to connect with people at a deeper level - not just emotionally. It has always been this way, and even more so now.
It's not that I no longer concern myself with daily living; I still do (and I'm sure my card company adores me). But I've felt a void in my life for the longest time. Ironically, it was only when I thought I had lost everything, with the break-up leaving behind a (even bigger) gaping hole in me, that I had the time and inclination to 'think', more. I'm just beginning to peel back the layers of understanding - not only to look at things from a different perspective or on a deeper level, but also to consider my own motivations, and not be too quick to judge people or blame external circumstances. Sometimes, it's almost as if I was being invigorated with each new understanding, and this has been especially welcome when I've been feeling down and lost; each realisation illuminates my path just a little more. Unfortunately, such is the slow and painstaking process of self-knowledge (for me at least) that you might only realise the import of events and see the bigger picture on hindsight, much, much later on.
"...how come u r still single at 31?"
(As if I have a choice. But anyway...)
Strangely enough, as I go deeper, my need for a relationship becomes an increasingly distant concern (though I continue to look around - just in case, and to, in SF's words, 'practise'). Perhaps, I'm not ready yet - it would be pointless to jump (or rebound) into another co-dependant or convenient relationship that eventually tires out both parties just as quickly. Or perhaps, I just haven't found another 'thinker'. (I think SF has spoilt the market. Heh.)
